“If it was helping me, it wouldn’t be a problem!” you say. No, I know it doesn’t make immediate sense.  But usually most of the problems or issues or lack of success in our life is in some way helping us. Perhaps protecting us from something.

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And if you really want to move through it, it is critical to find out what are the benefits of staying in your problem. It can also be called a secondary benefit.

Our body/mind’s first priority is to keep us safe. Often familiarity feels safe, even if it is in fact dangerous (like domestic abuse). Because safety is often linked to our ability to predict what will happen next. Or our ability to confirm that our beliefs are true. So if you have the belief that men are controlling and violent (because of your experience), it feels safe in some way to have that reaffirmed – confirming that you really do understand life. You are right. And there is predictability in that you know the pattern that it will follow generally.

Now domestic abuse is an extreme example, but with all my clients, this shows up in some way in their lives.

If you are stuck in your health goals, perhaps you might feel you would lose some of your friends – that would be unsafe.

If you are stuck in your financial goals, you might feel that friends and family will assume you can loan them money (I’m pretty sure this is the reason I haven’t won the lottery yet :-), and you don’t want to have to have that conversation. Or they might make judgments about the kind of person you must have turned into in order to be wealthy.

If you have a weak immune system and get sick often, it might be a way of not being asked to do more.

If you need to outsource something for your business and you keep delaying getting recommendations, it might be because you really don’t want to give up control. Or you think it means you’ll have to earn even more money.

Most problems have at least one secondary benefit.

My question for you, what issue/problem do you have, however small, and can you think of a benefit(s) from keeping it?  Awareness is the first step.

16 Responses

  1. Hi Aimee,

    Sometimes we develop unhealthy habits and part of the recovery is to change your friends and create a new environment for yourself. To make some changes in my life in the past few years, I found it helpful to surround myself with people who could understand the problem and be supportive. That helped me become unstuck and move forward. Take care.

  2. I always think my problems are beneficial because they keep me gentle and compassionate with others. When I acknowledge my own problems I find I am less judgmental of others.

  3. Excellent post, Aimee! One of the questions that I ask clients is “What is the positive intention behind this behavior?” because quite often, that is what keeps them stuck…that positive benefit. Right on!

  4. You post is a great reminder, Aimee. Many keep unhealthy habits because of the so called rewards. To be honest, at the moment, I cannot think of a problem that I am keeping that I shouldn’t be. I’ve made a lot of positive changes in my life in the last year due to a stroke I had last February. It was an awakening. 🙂

  5. Great post, Aimee.There is a payoff for staying stuck. Fear can definitely be an issue, particularly if you haven’t achieved a particular goal before. It can also be a flat out distraction or excuse from moving forward. Seeing that there are options and replacements and how to get there have really helped me get unstuck. Thanks!

  6. Although it may seem counterintuitive on first blush, our problems always have some sort of “positive” (even if that isn’t the first word we might use). We Do get something out of them or we wouldn’t stay in the same place. It has taken me years to realize that one! And you’re ever so on target: awareness IS the first step. Go Aimee!

  7. Hi Aimee – I love your posts :). I totally agree that our problems are always there for our own highest good (although it may not feel like that in the moment) – I encourage people to become aware of what they are getting from something that may be problematic or unhealthy – once we have awareness… then we have choice!

  8. Hi Aimee!
    I could paste a quote from your blog on my wall, so I can see it often: “Most problems have at least one secondary benefit.”
    I got sick in December – just too much stress accumulated, nothing serious. And while I was upset that I could not take clients for a month, while I was recovering, I also had the chance to turn on to my social media outlets and increase the participation on all of them. We all know the story of those cobbler’s kids without shoes – well, that was me, helping others with their marketing and barely getting to address mine. When I got sick, I was able to correct this mistake, then my business took off in a way I can’t even describe.
    Again, I should paste your words on my wall… There is an opportunity in every problem. 🙂
    Simona

  9. Luv your post. You’re bang on. This week was a crazy mix of problems and challenges. Yet here I sit on Friday night, and everything turned out better in the end… and I learned from it all to trust more.

  10. Oh, You got me. I like to stay in my shell. I have issues with limiting beliefs and safety die to trauma. I listen to an interview about limiting beliefs and was wowed by how much of my life is effected by my “shell”! Thanks for sharing this and I hope it’s eye ipening for someone else!

  11. The concept of secondary benefits is such a powerful one, and one we are not taught to examine. It’s part of the ever-present “reason why.” Since I do indeed believe we live life in layers, and are here to learn and grow, once we get through one layer we discover another. So, no matter how much work we do on ourselves, there’s always another set of issues to grow from …