Most eastern and new age philosophy tells us that acceptance of what is is the key to happiness – or at least the key to *not unhappiness*. If we can’t accept our current circumstance, then we will always be miserable. But sometimes people take it the point of resignation. Meaning they give up on trying to improve it.

I find this especially true in relationships. It makes sense – if the other person is acting badly, how can you do anything but resign yourself to their behavior? You know you can’t change them. It might seem more peaceful to be resigned – what’s the use of beating your head against the wall?

couples fightingBut I think there is another option, that serves us better. It’s accepting that the person is behaving this way, right now, but not resigning ourselves to it always being that way. It’s not so much about hope, because that can seem so elusive, but realizing that things always change, and this will too.

Once we accept what is, but also that it can improve, this then gives us more freedom to take action without pinning all of our hopes on it. To try different things. To examine the cause without judgment, and see if we can change the pattern. It doesn’t mean that any or every action is going to work, just that there are options and we have the ability to choose to try different ones.

Say to yourself, “I accept that this relationship is not what I want.”

OR

“I accept that this relationship is not what I want right now, but I choose to find a way to have more joy myself.”

Which one feels better?

What have you been telling yourself in your head about a painful relationship? How does that make you feel? Let me know in comments below.

13 Responses

  1. I find often in relationships, even with our children, when we accept them and love them where they are and find value in them the relationship immediately improves! Great post!

  2. Thank you for your great article. being in an amazing relationship where we feel peace is so important. I have been thru a bad one and it is only after 16 years that I decided that it was enough. Now i love myself and I also found someone new 4 years ago and everything is fantastic.

  3. Excellent article, Aimee! I prefer this: ““I accept that this relationship is not what I want right now, but I choose to find a way to have more joy myself.” Great way to look at this! Thank you!

  4. Nice post Aimee. I especially liked your suggestion to ‘change the pattern’ to get a response that serves us better, and your comment that you always have choice in a relationship. Both are great reminders. Thanks.

  5. Good for you Carele. It just shows too how much things can change in a short time even when it can feel like we’ll be stuck forever.

  6. I find the, “I accept that this relationship is not what I want right now, but I choose to find a way to have more joy myself.” statement feels better. Great post Aimee Thank you!

  7. Happiness is our choice and attitude over a situation. Being optimistic in a very difficult situation changes things – it changes the pattern. Thanks for sharing your article.

  8. “I accept that this relationship is not what I want right now, but I choose to find a way to have more joy myself.” This one feels a whole lot better! 🙂 If we expect nothing, then we get nothing. It is a great thing to live expecting great things to happen in your life. Great post, loved it!