I have a very good friend that kinda has two boyfriends. She’s trying to decide, or really trying not to decide (the two guys each know about the other and are okay with it, or at least not wanting to lose her over it, and neither is forcing a decision at the moment). She has really great reasons for liking/loving both of them. I’ll call them M and S. They both bring something different and amazing to the table. So I can see why it’s difficult for her.
We’ve talked about this “issue” a number of times. And she always comes back to not wanting to make a decision. Which is a decision really, to choose not to make one, but that’s another blog post.
Anyway, in our last conversation over drinks the other night, I think I finally realized why she is hanging on to M. On paper, S is the smarter choice. He’s more stable, has known her since she was 6, knows every last atom of her and loves her and wants her anyway/because of it. He’s funny, a great guy, patient, and wise. M on the other hand is more exciting, not the least because she has only known him 6 months. He’s had a troubled past that is shrouded in mystery. His circle of friends is that vegan, fixed-gear biker crowd. He’s also really really hot.
Both guys are very smart, but M’s brilliance comes across more dynamic and exciting. They can communicate without a word. They have deep conversations and connect which is very addictive when you’ve just met a really hot guy. I get that.
But as we talked the other night, and patiently kept the drunken guys at the next table from derailing our really great conversation, I think I figured it out. Why she’s not willing to let M go despite his anger issues and brokenness.
She loves seeing herself through M’s eyes. She loves seeing herself how he sees her. Because he instinctively gets that SHE’s brilliant. Why she is so great at what she does. How she’s changing the world by giving her gifts as a life coach. Seeing the possibilities for himself through her. Saving M from his codependent childhood friends. She loves knowing that someone like him gets her, so quickly, and realizes her amazing potential. It makes her feel powerful and sexy and exciting.
Who wouldn’t want that???
But here’s the thing. My friend already IS powerful, sexy, and exciting. She doesn’t need M’s eyes in order to be that or to feel that. She doesn’t need anybody else to BE that. Because she IS. So I challenge her, in all her amazingness, to choose to feel that for herself, by herself. TO BE IT, without needing anyone else’s validation or opinion.
And I challenge you, the reader, to think about the relationships in your life that make you feel the best about yourself and write down (in the comments below would be a great start because putting it out there is very powerful), how does this person see me? What is special about me to them?
And then choose to feel that way on your own, every day, and show up that way for everyone else in your life too. Choose to know that those qualities are a part of you no matter who you are with. And own them so the rest of us get to recognize them too.